BED, BATH AND BODY WORKS BEYOND

They see me. I'm convinced they see me and the smell of metaphorical fresh meat wafts to their salesperson noses. They call their store "Bath and Body Works." They wear a simple green apron. And yet, I fear them.

You know, you'd think this store was made for women, but I think differently. This is a bridge, a tollway for the male of the species to reach the heart of the female of the species. It's like this: you're on your little "suggestion" trip with your gal. She directs you to the Works, because she already knows that you're a guy, and you need the help. She takes you around the aisles, a vertically ribboned color montage, where the world is archived completely by scent. Round and round the fragrance wheel you go, and then she STOPS. Some little coo of delight comes from her lips and she reaches for some product of a purpose unknown to you. A dab here, a spray there, a spritz into the air that she just walks into. She says it's perfect, turns, and looks at you.

"This fragrance is called 'Moonlight Path.'"

Moonlight Path, Moonlight Path. Lunar Dirt, Celestial Loam, La Luna del Terra Firma - your job is to remember some combination off the night's celestial body and mud and you're golden. You'll come back at some time, be met by the Aproned One, and you'll utter that password to traverse the gap to your lady's heart: "Moonlight Path."

Here's how I know this store was made for guys. You've made it to The Smell, and they have it in every iteration known to man. Were it legal, they'd grind it into a powder that could be inhaled into your nose so you'd never have to smell another thing but That Scent.

You pick 3 random concoctions, take them to the counter, find out there's a discount if you get 4, head back to The Scent and grab something else too, pay more than you had ever planned for, and walk out with a pre-wrapped (typo: warped) offering for the lady of your dreams. You'll never run out of ways to do this, because they'll always crank out a new moisturizer, skin cream, body wash, bath bar, and on and on and on. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

Yeah, I went that route this Christmas. Yeah, it worked.