12/02/2005

NAME NAME NA-NAME, BANANNA-FANNA

I find a lot of humor in the world around me. Stuff like names - have you ever noticed that some people have COMPLETELY inappropriate names? Just recently I was watching a TV show where one of the characters was a girl named Cherish. Sure, sounds all cute and nice for now, but what happens when this girl gets married??

"...to honor, love and cherish Cherish until death do you part..."

Sure, you've probably seen other inappropriate names, especially in pairings: Justin Case, Amanda Sue Goode (she's a lawyer), etc. Did you know that there is actually a very wealthy family here in Dallas called the Hoggs? And did you know that one inebriated patriarch (we'll call him Boss Hogg) actually named his daughters Ima and Ura?? To this day, if I go to the Meyerson and look at the featured donators wall, I gotta laugh when I see Ima Hogg prominently displayed in golden script. I'm sure she's a perfectly wonderful lady (if she's still alive, not sure about that), but any time you combine a symphony with a swine, that's cause for humor.

So with that,I'd like to offer Eric's rules for naming offspring:

1. Holidays are out (that means YOU, Miss Christmas Bond Girl), and so are days of the week. Seasons are okay.

2. Naming your child after actual objects is just fine, but only if that object elicits positive connotations. Apple is okay, Denim is borderline, and Rocket is not acceptible.

3. Names shall be easily written on the signature line of a check, for the sake of all of us that will ever stand behind your child at the grocery store, and so that they won't have to order custom-sized credit cards.

4. Elements of a name should at least appear to come from a similar ethnic background, or at least the same family of language. Naming your child Maximus al-Muhammad de Vostok is like trying to celebrate Christmahanukwanzaakas.

5. Names should be appropriate to the projected physical characteristics and personality traits of the child. Let's face it - if you're 5'7", and your wife is barely cracking 5', you have no right naming ANY progeny "Golliath". LIkewise, if you're the leader of a death metal rock band and your wife has both "pornstar" and "former Baywatch babe" on her resume, names like "Serenity" and "Chastity" are not allowed on your list.

Of course, I reserve the right to add to this list or change it, especially if I feel like breaking any of these rules once I'm a Dad.

"...see, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name..."

2 comments:

Phil said...

Other rules:

- Spouses get veto power for names that evoke bad memories of former boyfrieds or girlfriends.

- If you're going to have a girl, close your eyes and imagine the name coming out of a loudspeaker, in a club that has a pole on its stage. If it sounds good, do not use that name.

The Swan said...

I like 'em - especially the Anti-Stripper Test. I'm SURE that if I ever have a girl, the Overparanoid Dad will be present and in full effect.