I WANNA LEAVE

Take a look at the timestamp at the bottom of this little post-y-thing, and you'll see that there's not much time left in the business day.  And I wanna leave.

Have you ever met someone that had a laugh that was intensely annoying?  There's a lady here that fits the bill for me.  Hers is the open British "HA" with a jarring glottal stop chainsawing through, and I swear it drives me nuts.  Said woman's husband also works in my team (don't get me started on THAT), and I have no clue how the guy can stay married to her.  YES, simply because of that laugh.  It's just that bad. 

Went to a little informal party at work today for my wonderful boss (and I'm not being sarcastic - she's great to work with), celebrating her 35th anniversary with the company.  Thirty-five years!  Is that even possible with anyone from my generation?  Certainly, the key to her extended tenure is that she works for one of the largest corporations in America, and was able to move around within the company to keep from burnout.  You know, I would love to be able to stay with a  company for that long, but I just don't see it happening.  "Back in the day" companies valued experience - today it's a liability.  Maybe I just haven't met "the right one," but I view myself as a mercenary of sorts - talented, highly effective, independant and motivated by the paycheck, not the position.  At this point in my life, my talents are available to the highest bidder - the company that puts together the best package for me to enjoy.  Don't get me wrong - I really like this job, but that doesn't mean it's until death do us part.

Geez, that was dark.  Let me cheer you up with a little funny called Meow Skywalker.

OH FOR THE LOVE OF LITTLE MONKEYS

So yes, the posting has been a tad infrequent of late.  You've seen me apologize for this, you'll likely see it again.  Let's move past all the pleasantries and get into the goods then, shall we?  I don't have a case of the Mondays today, I've got a case of the entire freakin' week.

• GET yourself an RSS reader. Do it now, don't wait, get over there and yet ya some. (For my friends with PDA's, a partnership of MobileRSS and AvantGo will make your bones shiver with joy.)  Lemme get this post done with, and I'll give you all a list of my current favorite RSS feeds.  Don't know about RSS, OPML, or the world in general?  There's the links - go take care of that.

• Mrs. Baird's makes these cinnamon rolls you can find in most vending machines, and I tell ya, they are GOLD for your $0.75. Of course they're not healthy, and of course if you can avoid eating from a vending machine at all costs you should do so, but when you're fungry and all you've got is a few Washingtons, hit up the digits for these things and enjoy.

• BLEW through Cory Doctorow's "Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom" this weekend, and I enjoyed it immensely. When I was in high school, I read "Neuromancer," not knowing it for the cyberpunk bible that it is. Turns out I like the genre quite a bit. Right now I'm working on "Rule of Four" by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason, which I'm also finding to be a good read.

• Isn't it ironic that I work in Marketing, love promoting products and ideas to consumers, and yet can't stand the banal, fake, and hedonistic images staring back at me from the Kroger check-out line?

• I'm going to download the most annoying cell phone ring I can find and put it on full volume. Then I'm going to leave my phone on my desk and find an autodialer on eBay to call it incessantly during the day. I have heard no less than FIVE Christmas-themed cell phone rings from colleagues surrounding my cube. Has someone pushed the "Become Awash With Stupidity" button on Earth's master control system and failed to notify me??

• See that girl on the left, the one sitting next to me? She's my wife, and she's the most amazing person on this planet or any other currently known. Sure, if they discover Vulcan in my lifetime we may have to rethink this, but for now she's got it covered.

"I feel love..."

9:31 A.M.

...and I've just consumed enough caffeine to reach consciousness after the Labor Day weekend.  I love the holiday, but then Tuesday is a BEATING.  I now feel competent enough to speak to others of my species. 

THE PRESIDENT SHOPS AT WAL-MART

So I had an epiphany recently.  Not a huge one, mind you, but one that I think is good enough to share with you, gentle reader.  It all started Monday night...

The dear wife and I had the great chance to go to the Cowboys game that night - their third preseason game.  If you ever have the chance to go to a preseason game, I highly recommend it - it's cheaper, less crowded, and you get to see some up-and-coming elements for your team.  The 'Boys left their starters in until the 2nd half, when they were apparently scared off by the halftime performance of Warner Bros' recording star Big & Rich.  So, we decided to head out at the end of the 3rd quarter.

We made the long trek with many other fans who had left the game to the parking lot, got in my car, turned on the key, and I'm quickly rewarded with a half-hearted series of clicks - battery's dead.  I get the joy of walking up to a complete stranger, who happened to be nice enough to help me jump-start the car.  We make it home, and I spend a few minutes on the phone with my Dad and doing some experiments to confirm that the battery is indeed the problem.  (My dear wife believes that this step was completely unnecessary, but we won't get into that argument now.)  Having identified the culprit, I make my way to Wal-Mart at a little after midnight.

And that's when it hits me - shortly after I walk into the concrete box that is America's largest retailer and one of the largest companies in the world.  You know there's going to be a very odd assortment of people, and it reminded me of this study I saw one time that said something like over three-fourths of millionaires shop at Wal-Mart once a week - some surprisingly high number like that.  I've just spent almost half an hour Googling to find it, but here is the best similar citation I could come up with. 

So then that led me to this:  we're all thinking about the upcoming Presidential election, and how we would evaluate which candidate we'll vote for.  Everyone's got their own decision metric, whether it's a detailed platform analysis, pure party-line direction, or your own Magic 8-Ball, and I think I've come up with mine - I want a President that I could imagine seeing after midnight shopping at Wal-Mart.  Take away his title and all the Secret Service agents, and I want a guy that I wouldn't do a double-take at seeing him at Wal-Mart.  Why?  Because I want a man that I somehow intrinsically know is in touch with real people, the kind you don't find at Sipango tasting the cool merlot of the month, but the folks that shop for a family of 4 on a budget at their local Wal-Mart.

Now, I'm not going to get into which candidate I think that is - you've got your own decision to make.  I just think the man we should put in office is the man that has something in touch with real people - like the ones I found while I was looking for a new car battery.

"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine..."

 

I'VE GOT SOME EXPERTISE IN THIS AREA

Something I've got to master is the art of the quick, dirty and pithy post.  After all, doesn't blogging mean you put up what's on your mind as soon as you can, without thinking about it?  Sure it does.  You know it's true, because you're reading it on a blog.

So I happen to work in the realm of email marketing.  Yes, yes, I believe you could call us a spam factory, but at least we're using a proprietary confirmed opt-in list, and not sending to the great unknown.  That alone is a big leg up.  But the question of today is just what we send.  You know, I've been reading that ol' Cluetrain Manifesto I mentioned earlier, and parts of it are really starting to jive with me.  One of the main things it says is that we've lost the art of voice, of communication from one real human to another.  See, corporations don't have voice - they just speak in dumbed-down, politically correct, washed-through-legal-a-hundred-times speak.  Just take a look at the next piece of corporate email you get - I know you'll be able to tell it's not a real person in a hearbeat.  And why is that?  Because humans write in a way that's not condusive to the staid, tried and true world of corporate marketing.  What's worse, some of the most boring emails and copy have enough success to keep them going - regardless of what you send, some people are going to pick up on the deal and go for it, simply because it meets their needs at the time.  Get a few of these folks together, and you've got enough ROI to rationalize what you're doing in the corporate world. 

But let's step back for a moment.  Can we do better?  Can we make more of ourselves?  Is it possible to be a solid, reliable company and yet actually make someone laugh with our corporate communications?  Yes.  I believe so.  And to make you believe, I'm going to give you some examples:

• Columbia Sportswear
  
• Bawls Guarana
  
• Rockfish Restauraunts (A word of advice - sign up for their email list and you WILL get some great discounts)
  
• Tin Star, Inc.
  
• Starbucks, would you believe it? This is probably the biggest company with the best communication to its customers.
  
• Cartoon Network - yeah, these guys are just funny.
  

Enjoy all that, ya' hear?

"I'm breaking the habit..."

I DON'T THINK SO, AL

I'm sorry, I hate myself for it, but I can't just let this abomination go by.  It's time to take ol' Al Trautwig and throw him under the bus again.  My latest example is from the Men's All-Around gymnastics, where Paul Hamm won the first gold ever for the U.S.A. in that event. 

Example #3:  It's right after Paul finds out he's won.  NBC is doing a quick montage of his routines leading up to winning the medal, and they're at the last one - the high bar.  Paul does his last flip and begins to release for his dismount when Al utters these words of utterly insipid brainlessness:

"The air has been let out of the balloon.  And with those mighty lungs from the Midwest, Paul Hamm has won the gold."

Ladies and gentlemen, WHAT the MESS is THAT??  What in the world was mister Al trying to say?  Paul Hamm won the gold... with his LUNGS??  Al, look at me.  I know you're trying to use the sweeping metaphors of dramatic sportscasting like those found on old NFL films, but PLEASE, lay off them a bit and let the moment shine!

In an interesting corollary, apparently this on-camera vaccuum of common sense is spreading.  Soon after Paul comes off the gym floor, he has a quick interview with one of the "sideline" reporters.  You know them - usually women, mostly good looking, not really expecting much in the way of hard journalism out of them.  (Melissa Stark is an incredible example who's managed to escape the last part of that stereotype.)  This reporter, and I'm sorry I couldn't find a bio for her, corners off Paul and proceeds to ask him three questions.  The first two were pretty silly, but the last takes the cake:

"Paul, what did you learn about yourself during those last three rotations on your way to the gold medal?"

Now, let's think for a moment.  The man has had about 5 minutes to even know that he had the gold medal, much less reflect on it.  There is a much greater-than-zero chance that the moment hasn't even sunk in, or made a solitary dent.  He's in the blissful shock of incredible success that athletes across the world live for, and you're asking him to take a metaphysical assesment of the greatest moment of his LIFE?  What has he learned?  Not a thing yet, except he looks great in GOLD, woman!

 

"I've been downhearted, baby, ever since the day we met..."

CORE DUMP

Go ahead.  Click on that link.  I dare ya.  That little site will mess with your mind.  I found that thing on Penny Arcade and, for a second, thought it had reduced my computer's processing capacity to somewhere between that of a blender and a parking meter.

So, yeah, it's been quite a while since I last posted.  My dear friend Jess has dutifully shamed me for being away for so long. By the way, DO go check out her blog.  She does it up righteous, and has been for much longer than I.  I think I've got somewhat of an explanation, though, if you're willing to hear it.  See, I always think that you've got to put together some seamless treatise in your mind before you blog, and I just hadn't had enough thoughts congeal to become worthy of a post yet.  However, if you'll read the rules of blogging, you'll see that one should blog on a regular basis, as your ephemeral "readers" will want to see good content at least once per week. Now, I don't disagree with that at all, and in fact feel somewhat self-saddened for having not adhered to said rule. My other friend, Adam, would tell me to quit being such an egoistic little pansy and wake up to the fact that I have no readers, and so there's not a soul to care what text meanders its way onto this page.

But you're here.  And I hope to make your life just a little bit happier.  I'm such a people pleaser...

In case you haven't figured it out, I've got a lot of random stuff, because I am far overdue. Stay with me - there's a great prize at the bottom of the box.

So lately, like much of the population, I've been checking out the Olympics.  My dear wife likes the women's gymnastics, so we've been watching a lot of that - also because NBC has seen it fit to flood their primetime slots with the stuff.  So there's three commentators, and the main guy - Al Trautwig, the one that comes from the "broadcast" side as opposed to the "former athlete" side, is a COMPLETE idiot.  I mean, my natural tendency isn't to be so harsh, but this guy is a major distraction.  Now, since he's supposed to be the broadcaster type, I don't expect much out of the guy.  Have a good voice, read well, don't get in the way of the athletes doing their thing.  Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to get that last tenet. 

Example:  One of the U.S. gymnasts does poorly on one of her exercises, could cost the team the gold.  Dude doesn't make a graceful transition, say something about how hard she's worked or how far she's come, OH NO!  He just comes on the mic and says to his "guy who actually knows something" - "Damage Assessment!"  I mean, he might as well have called the guy Scotty!  A completely appropriate response would have been to say "I can't do any more, Captain, she's givin' me everything she's got!" 

Example #2:  Uneven bars.  Random small chick from China completely and gracefully deviates from her planned routine to cover a mistake she made.  Dude remarks that wouldn't the judges deduct for that?  NO!  The judges don't care if you follow some kind of mythic flight plan!  They just want you to do what you got, and do it well.  "Guy-who-actually-knows-anything commentator" is about to jump off his seat in joy, and "broadcaster" dude just doesn't get it.

The individual competitions are coming up next, so I encourage you to direct your boob tube there - if only for a good laugh.

Terrible segway, but could someone please explain corporate America to me?  I just read a segment from The Cluetrain Manifesto that's got me completely depressed.  They compare how business organizations are structured to that of a fort, and you know, they're right.  We go to work and sit behind solid walls to separate us from the distractions of family, artistic impulse, and whimsy so we can become productive little automotons.  I totally understand the concept of coming together with your co-workers for continuity's sake, but why can't I just log in the rest of the time?  I work on a WEB SITE, you'd think we could all be nice and online about how we work along with what we work on.  Someone, just wake up the U.S. and let them know that we have left the days of "going to the plant to work" far behind with the rotary phone.

Ok, I know there's more rattling around in this brain of mine, and I think it will make its way on here later today.  For now, I'm gonna post this (mainly so I don't lose it to some random catastrophy), and head off to lunch.

"Fa, fa fa fa, fa fa fa...."